Sometimes I forget that people out there actually read my blogs.  I mean I don't even proofread my blogs as many of ya'll can probably notice so it was quite a pleasant shock to be asked to continue my neurotic, ramblings from across the pond.  Well, fair enough... here I go again.

I leave my fair town of Hull late tomorrow night to catch the train to Manchester (3 hr ride) to the airport.  I can already forsee a very cranky Carol arriving at the Charlotte airport on Sunday afternoon.  I won't actually be at the airport until 1 am Sunday morning and my check in is at 3:30 and then I fly out at 7 am in the morning!  Good God that's early.  I rarely wake up before the birds do so I know this'll be a bit of struggle for me (I usually get up for lunch). 

I had my civil rights exam last Thursday at 9:30am.  So, I woke up a lil' before 9, just giving myself a little extra time to have some coffee before racing to the exam hall.  When I wake up I usually throw up the curtains and blast a little bit of Missy Elliot to help get the blood flowing, and this time I was greeted with a little blanket of snow on the cars and street below... My housemates heard my squeal of excitement because of the snow and quickly corrected me by simply saying, "Carol, this is how it looks in the mornings. It's frost".  I think I upset my housemates by how long I can sleep.  They usually up going to class in the mornings and I'm still tucked in tight in bed.  

So, yesterday I got back from my whirlwind mini-tour of England.  My friend Fred and I left for London on Sunday.  We were staying with one of my friends that I met in Korea, Ruth, who lived 20 minutes away from London in St. Albans.  So, most of Sunday was visiting her little town of St.Albans which was great.  It's so English.  That Sunday I had my first Sunday roast (lamb, stemed veggies, potatos...), which is a tradition in England and is normally eaten between 12-2 in the afternoon.

Fred, Ruth, and I spent Monday and Tuesday in London site-seeing, shopping, and going to the Opera (it was one by Verdi) at the Royal Opera House... very posh.  Then On Wednesday we went back to Cambridge to visit another friend of mine that I met in class, Olivia.  Cambridge is one of my absolute favorite towns in England so I was eager to go back and to see it through the eyes of a local.  Well, since we got to Cambridge so late we actually just ended up staying in her little village (which I can't remember the name of right now), but it's an a-mazing village.  She and her amazing family live in a 600 year old cottage and we spent most of the day just laughing, drinking wine and tea by the fire place, having another English meal, visiting her horses and hanging out at the pub. Her parents are typical British people.  Her dad HILARIOUS.  I couldn't stop laughing when I was around her family.  They kept calling me their American cousin who was here to finally get an education and learn how to spell correctly.  We had a great time.

Lastly, our tour ended in Birmingham.  It's the second largest city in England and is a big industrial town.  I kept calling it little Detroit during the train ride and was a little disappointed, but once we stepped out off the train i was so shocked to see how metropolitan and oozing in modern art Birmingham was.  Fred and I were meeting up with our friend Gaz and Tom who were going to show us around Gaz's home town.  The shopping (the only thing to do there) was amazing.  I checked my bank account today and I literally have less than 20 pounds in my checking, which roughly equals 30 bucks.  My mouth dropped, but at least no one can say that I haven't lived in up in England. 

After a quick meet the parents with Gaz's folks (who are equally as funny and quick witted... his dad works in the inner cities as a geography teacher so we had a lot to talk about) Gaz drove (literally got 106 mph the who time) us all back home to Hull.  By this point I was exhausted but my friend Hannah was leaving to go home to london this morning, so I stayed out late getting drinks with them, hanging out and saying our final good byes. 

I HATE goodbyes... what's the proper way of saying bye?  I much rather say "see you later".  These past few days have been so much fun, but also so hard.  I'm leaving some really amazing people, and it feels so good to have everyone really want me to stay.  Well, I'll be back.

I didn't blog about this, but to give a quick catch up into my personal life (I'll tell ya'll later what really went on if you want to know), but Jen (the girl from Hawaii) and I aren't friends anymore because she confessed to seeing Tom behind my back and a bunch of other things were uncovered as she came clean.  So I deleted her from my AIM, Facebook, Myspace, cellphone, address book... everything.  And in the process I deleted Tom's number from my phone.  I was more mad at Jen because she was such a close friend then I was at Tom, but I was also mad at Tom.  I was tired of him treating me like a door mat and so I shun Jen and basically ignore Tom.  Well, this afternoon he txts me (we still hang out with each other in group settings, but I never contact him anymore) and says basically "bye, safe travels, keep in touch..." all that jazz... and I because I deleted his number from my phone his name didn't come up with the txt... So I txt back, "thanks, merry xmas and btw, who is this?"  I could tell that he was shocked and hurt from his reply which was, "wow, I guess you deleted my number, it's Tom". 

This semester has grown me in so many ways.  It has given me a stronger back bone, and it has given me a deeper appreciation for true friendship.  My time in Hull has been one of the best experiences of my life. I take the good with the bad because it's only enhanced my time in my fair town of Hull. 

I hope everyone gets a chance to at least travel to Europe once in their life.  This is the end of this journal-journey.  I'm starting up a new one for my friends that I've made here.  I think I'm going to call it, "Sweet Home Carolina" :)... any suggestions? 

Love, and see you all very very soon.

carol

Things to do:

- Sleep in. You deserve it.
- Take a long shower.
- Read Devil in a Blue Dress for tomorrow's lecture.
- Have coffee with Jen and Fred.
- Meet Tom tonight for comedy nite at the Uni.

Accomplishments (3:28pm):
- Slept in.
- Took a long shower
- Coffee, tea and cookie break with Jen and Fred.
- Updated Facebook
- Contemplating a nap
- Organized tomorrow's to-do list

The Lord gives us 24 hours for a reason, right?  The days should be longer.  People don't really get started until mid-day at least.  *sigh*.  Oh well.  With so much happening in the next few days I have to really stay on top of my game and get stuff done.  This weekend is the Edinburgh trip and I am so excited.  Jen bailed out so it just leaves me and Fred to explore beautiful Edinburgh on our own.

The past few days have been pretty good.  On Thursday night me, fred, jen, hannah, tom, gaz, and alex went to see the turning on of the lights down in the city centre.  Everyone in Hull turned up because the town centre was packed with people as we counted down for the grand finale of the city lights being turned on as the fireworks popped and sparkled above us.  It feels weird to be preparing for Christmas so soon without a break for Turkey in the middle.  I think me and the group just mentiond, are going to celebrate Thanksgiving as a "family".  I'm actually pretty excited about it.  My first Thanksgiving away from my family. 

I never liked big holidays that pushed our family together in one room for too many hours of the day.  Thanksgiving at home is usually tense.  My mom is doing most of the work in the kitchen so she's thus tired, overworked and stressed out in the kitchen with me as her sidekick cutting up, washing, and organizing everything that she's throwing at me.  My brother is upstairs usually in his room watching tv, on the phone or playing with his Xbox.  My dad, if he's home, is on the couch watching football.  And my precious pup is sitting by the door eager for left overs. 

I don't understand my mother sometimes. I realize her love language is service.  She likes to serve her family because that's the only way she feels that she can say "I love you" to us.  Well, add the love language of service on top of her being Korean (she has to be super wife-mom-human).  There's so much unneed pressure during big holidays because she isn't satisfied preparing a regular meal (which is what we all perfer).  She has to make special turkey, sides, pie... when tell you the truth I would have been happier with a bowl of rice and some kimchee if that means she herself could relax a little.

I'm starting to agree to agree with people that I am a picky eater.  I'm a chubby girl that eats almost nothing.  I'm starting to realize now that for me, food is linked to hostility, negativity, neglect, favortism... For example, I can't stand scrambled eggs, sausages, cheese, ketchup, butter, white bread, red meat... why? Growing up, and still to this day,  my mother would alway cook food that my dad and brother loved. So I had to eat it, even though I didn't like it.  I just saw it as my mother not seeing me, knowing me, understanding me, wanting to get to know me.

I'm 21 and I think it's funny when my mother has those, "I had no idea you liked..." moments.  She had no idea that I liked my eggs really runny, or that I want to be a writer, or that I was a vegaterian for year, or that playing the piano takes me to another level of happiness.  She just has no idea...

Anyway.

I'm gonna do things differently when I have my own family.  I can't be the super affectionate, clinging mother because that's just in me... I've been kind of paralyzed in that area, but I will be the kind of mother and wife whose love is evident and who her kids will love to be around... because I'll awesome:).

Anyway, last night I went to my first rugby match here in town.  It's very similar to American football so it was easy to figure out what was going on.  I had a great time.  I went with about 12 other friends and all but 2 knew the rules (well the were british), but it was fun picking out your favorite player and rooting for them.  Mine is Gareth Raynor (I love the name Gareth by the way) and he's a cutie... My decision was purely based on looks I'll admit.  We had an extra ticket so I invited along my new friend Olivia from Cambridge to come along.  She's great.  She's what you think of when you think of a british person.  Her humor is so sharp and so funny that she often leaves me with a belly ache.  I'm going to visit her at home before I leave GB so I can get a local's tour of Cambridge (my favorite city here so far).

After that we had dinner at Olivia's house, then we went to Sanctuary (the univerisity's pub) to meet up with Gaz and Tom for drinks.  Praise the Lord, but things have actually gotten back to normal within the group, if not better.  Tom's being more open and sweeter around me after that awful-awkward incident several Saturday nights ago.  There are absolutely no feelings there towards Tom and i'm glad for it.  It's just not my time.  Lord knows when my time will come, and only he knows why I have to wait so long and so painfully for Mr. Right For Me to walk into my life, but I know it's not to punish me, but to bless me.  Amen.

Anyway, now I'm actually going to start reading that book that's due tomorrow.  Well, after I use the bathroom and clean up me room a bit and write a prof. a thank you note :).

x

I need coffee so badly right now.  Well, today's Thursday, formally known as TomDay Thursday (for those of ya'll who are into keeping up with national holidays and such :)).

I just got out of my American Civil Rights class and as I'm sitting at the library computer the sun is just pouring on to me.  The weather in England is surprisingly very beautiful.  From where I am sitting (4th floor of the library) I can see some of the old parts of campus.  There's old red brick buildings mixed in with enourmous trees that are still covered in red, orange and yellow leaves.  Ya'll would never think that I spent my semester in England because the weather here is almost near perfect.  They are having a heat wave right now.  It hasn't been this warm in the fall in probably 10 years.  I guess I brought the sun with me.

Lamentations 3:23* says that the Lord's mercies are new every morning.  Amen

One of my reasons for loving the Old Testament is because it's a mirror of the human predicament (perpetual amneisa) and the relationship between mankind and their God (like a rollercoaster and not an consistant upward climb).  Being in England has showed me that no one can be perfect.  That the Christian walk is about stumbling, falling, bleeding, repentance, forgiveness, redemption...  As human beings we need to feel that we can relate to one another, that we aren't alone, thus people can't be perfect.  What do perfect people have in common?  Flawed people tend to be stronger, sensitive to the needs of others and themselves, understanding and compassionate.  I used to wake up asking God, "Why the Hell me!"  "Why must I be the half-bred that is always losing her footing in a world divided into color and boxes" "Why do I have to be the most inexperienced person in the world?" I started to see that my  "Why, Why Why"'s had turned into "Wha, Wha, Wha".

I wake up now thanking God for being my constant, faithful, lover and redeemer.  In the past few days God has picked me up above the muck, madness, and chaos and has shown me what he's been doing in my life during the period that I've called a big fat disastorous mess of unguarded hearts and unlistened to warnings.

My nickname here is Goose.  One random day we started giving each other Top Gun nick names and mine was unanimously Goose.  I like it.  I have to admit that I haven't seen the movie in forever so I'd like to watch it later to find out why I am the Goose, but for now I've latched on to it.  I used to see myself as the ugly duckling.  I'll be the first to admit that I had a very long ugly phase where my physical features, my personality and who I was were all trying to sort themselves out at the same time... so I've always felt awkward.  Living and studying in England has shaped me from that ugly duckling to a Goose.  I feel like I've become a woman here.  You'd never recognize me.  I feel different from the inside out...

Things between Jen and I are pretty much mended.  I've built strong relationships with the kids in my class and it's been really nice to be the popular kid (I know I sound full of myself, but it's kinda true).  Before I thought everyone hated me because no one would talk to me or sit next to me, but it's crazy.  As things are winding down people want to be around me.  I really needed this affrimation.  Because while my group was full of drama God sent me love from abroad (Shae and Annie and Monica) and he also made me feel loved and at home here amongst my fellow students.  My calender is completely filled with social engagments, dates (like coffee dates.. nothing romantic), and with little traveling adventures from now until I go home. 

The storm has past and now I'm standing under the rainbow that followed all the lightening, thunder, and rain. 

Thank you for your prayers and concerns... I'm a living testament that prayer, and dependency on the Lord has saved me once again from myself

x

Jane Austin once wrote: "Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love."

I wonder who she could have been talking about and the situation that would have prompted the quote.  Love, heartbreak and unrequited love are just some things that have stood the test of time along with coachroaches, Walt Disney, and the mullet (there's a new version of the mullet in Europe that everyone is wearing).

I'm tired of talking about Tom, but he still manages to seep into my thoughts everday.  Every time I see my friend Jen I see him and my imagination runs wild.  A friend of ours let slip that Jen and Tom text each other frequently.  I don't care.  They're both friends (through me I thought... now they have a  secret friendship that neither really want me to know about, but alas I found out) and can do what they like, but I hate finding things out via hear say.  Well, Jen eventually tells me that they only talk about me, and how/what  Tom can do to make things right between us.  This information doesn't make me happy.  It actually just frustrates me more.  He'll only talk about me because he knows it's something safe to talk about while he is getting close to her.  There isn't tension between Tom and I because I'm a hell of an actress.  With 5 weeks left I rather not create drama.  But if he really wants to talk about THE saturday night that changed everything then he needs to talk to me about it... not to my friend, the girl that he likes, about it.  Does that makes sense?

I'm ready to come home.  I have a very much flight mentality when it comes to too much drama.  Thank you Annie for your amazing advice.  It really calmed my nerves because everything you said was Truth.  Time heals all wounds.  I'm still in the healing process of Tom's words, actions, my past, betrayal, dishonesty... I still hurt.  God I feel so ugly... so much like a mutatant.  I know this is just ugly self-talk, but it's how I really feel right now at 5:26 pm on Sunday, Nov. 13.  I'll get over it though... I'm used to being the neutral girl in the group... the a-sexual awkward duckling...

So here's some clarification... my group consists of Me, Jen, Frederqiue (fred), Tom, Gaz, Alex, & Hannah (the last 3 are tom's housemates and some of my class mates).  Here's how the love triangle goes...

I liked Tom,
Tom likes Jen, but Jen has a serious boyfriend (but you'd never really know because she's incredibully flirty... but i love her regardless),
and Gaz likes Fred and Fred likes Gaz back (but fred just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years 3 weeks ago)
and Alex likes Jen and Jen likes Alex (yes, though she has a boyfriend)
and Hannah has a boyfriend back at home in London so she's neutral along with myself. 

Yeah... there's so much wierd energy in the group... it's a great-fun group but hard for the extremely single girl- me.  I've had some of my best times with them, but like I said in another post... I'm tried of being the nice girl that finishes last, the bigger person, the sweet girl that's just one of the boys...

Anyway, besides all that, time here is quickly passing, which I like.  I have 2 more papers to write and an exam and then I'm done.  I'm going to use the rest of my free time to do some more traveling. 

Here's the calender of events for Nov.-Dec:
Friday, Nov. 18th: Harry Potter premiere
Saturday, Nov. 19th: Rugby game (GB Vs. da Aussie's)
Friday, Nov. 25th-27th: Edinburgh

Sunday, Dec. 4th-7th: Paris
Friday, Dec. 9th: Civil Rights Exam
Saturday, Dec. 10th-14th*: London
Sunday, Dec. 18th: Fly Home
Monday, Dec. 19th: Home in South Carolina

Prayer requests:
- please pray that I'll know how to handle the Tom-Jen situation.  Jen's one of my closest friends here and I would hate to lose her because I can't see past myself.

- please pray that I can walk with my head up.  I didn't do anything wrong and God didn't do anything wrong in the way he created me.

- please pray that my packages from the States get here... grrr... another issue that I don't want to talk about because it still makes me angry... The one thing I'm not looking forward too is going back home to my family... so also pray that I can readjust when I get home.

I wish I had kept this more up-to-date these past few days.  So much has gone on.  I feel like I've just got off a rollercoster.  There were great high times, devastating low times, and right now I'm finally coasting... preparing for the stop.

Hm... where did I leave off?

I guess I should just move backwards right?  I don't know.  Well, last Friday night was the final ISA party of the semester.  It was held at the little night club/pub on campus (Johnny Mac).  It's a party for everyone, but usually a lot of international students are there and it feels like the first week of school again.  You have the Greeks doing their dance and the Italians doing their seductive dance of passion and scorned love... it's all very theatrical.  Whenever I see them doing their cultural dance I'm struck with how uncultural America is.  It must be a really cool feeling to know that you're doing the same kind of dancing that your forefathers. 

Well, Friday night Gaz and Tom decided to come and hang out with me, Fred, and Jen at the ISA party.  We have all been hanging out together for the entire week so far and we were on a pretty good role.  I love hanging out with them.  It just feels so right... my original group of friends are just too female, too caty, and to hurt one another if they are unwilling to conform to the codes of the group. 

Anyway, Jen and Tom actually end up leaving early because Jen was so tired and Tom had a soccer game the next day.  Gaz, Fred, and I had the best time planning games, dancing and just laughing at one another.  It was probably one of my best times in Hull.  Gaz, is great.  I love a guy with a sense of humor and he has a lot of it. 

Saturday night was the night that changed everything.  Gaz had left for Manchester that day to go see the English Philharmonic with his ex-girlfriend (plans they made prior to breaking up).  After the big firework presentation (I forget what holiday we were celebrating) Jen and I went to Asylum (the campus club) to meet up with Tom and some of his friends.  Fred was too tired and stayed home.  Because it was a special British holiday drinks were really cheap.  To make a long and painful story short, Tom got really drunk.  I don't know if his true feelings came out or his guard was put down, but it turns out that he knew I liked him, he doesn't like me back (romantically speaking) he actually likes Jen (the girl in short girl in the bathing suit in the picture), but Jen has a serious boyfriend.  He was so drunk and so eager to profess his love to Jen that he was willing to do anything he could to get me out of the room, away from them, so he could tell her.  I'm not giving all the details because I don't want to recant them, but I've never felt so hurt in my life. 

I'm used to rejection, but this time just hit so hard.  I just couldn't wrap my head around why he didn't like me.  Why he liked Jen.  I just kept asking God, "am I not enough?", " what am I lacking?" "why does this always happen to me?".

Well, on Sunday we had already made plans earlier in the week to cook mexican food for the boys.  So on Sunday morning I was left at a crossroads... do I be the bigger person or do I hold a hell of a grudge and never speak a word to him again?  Now keep in mind, whatever I chose will effect the entire group.  The group that I love to hang out with so much... I put my feelings aside once again and decided to take the incredibuly high ground and go one like nothing ever happened...not the tears, the sleepless night, the thought of just wanting to end it all.  He texted me later on that Sunday to ask if he did anything wrong... that things are hazy... I just said, "whatever happens when we're drunk is buried when we're sober".  Again, I ate my pride and hurt and let him off the hook. 

Sunday dinner went well.  I'm slowly becoming a better cook Shae.  I still think cooking involves too much work, but it's fun when everyone's doing it.  I cut chicken for the first time. 

Monday.  I skipped class to write a paper that was due that day... I didn't turn it in until today though.  Oh well.  Monday night I got an unexpected text from Tom and it reads (b/c I saved it):

Hey Carol, think I owe you a big apology for saturday night, still hazy on the details but was out of order.  glad you were cool on sunday, our group is cool and don't want to mess it up x

So, whatever he's remembering has to do mainly with me and how he mistreated me Saturday night.  I was shocked to get an apology.  It almost made me cry because though I had forgiven him, it was just really nice to hear that he was sorry.  It would have been better to hear that he didn't want to mess up our friendship, but what can I say...

Things between Tom and I are over (romantically speaking).  He's done too much hurt for me to ever see him in a romantic way again, and plus he still fancies my best friend here.  Sometimes I just don't get it.  What did I do wrong?  Why is it never me that the boys like? 

Anyway, what do you think?  Was I wrong in being the bigger person?  Should I have reminded him of his behaviour?  No.  I have 5 weeks here.  I want to end on a good note.